Never Been Kissed
Song: RIIVERDANCE
Artist: Beyonce
The previous post got me thinking about the fact that I’ve never been in a real relationship, as an adult. Never courted properly, never been on a date, and never kissed. It’s partially my fault because I grew up in the city and I did a lot of things I had no business doing at an early age. I definitely thought I would be married by 18. But I met someone at 17 and he was 3 years older than me. I never expected that to turn into a mess where this guy who I could go on and on about, but won’t because I’m healed on that and he truly cannot have any more energy from me other than this right here, but even though it resulted in a couple of pregnancies, this guy put a huge ick in my mind in regard to men. Realizing that that particular man was the epitome of crazy to not know how to love someone to the extent where his apparent idea of love and a weapon rested between his legs. The list of what I don’t like and cannot put up with is a long list, as a result.
And I cannot be like someone who’d rather have a piece of a man, or a little bit of attention, than be loved properly. I do blame that situation on why as a more mature person, I know I have to learn how to kiss someone and learn how to let someone show me what they are willing to do. It’s definitely the reason why I take so long to open up when someone is interested. And yes, as an adult, I have stopped all communication once I’ve been asked on a date, a few times, but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t clear on who I was then and who I am becoming, but now I am.
For me, it would take someone with a lot of patience to let me open up and figure out our rhythm. I have learned to not take so long on that, lol. I’d have to learn how to kiss and what to do with my hands like Ricky Bobby. Some folk simply know how to kiss, but for me, it depends. I gotta see and find out if I actually want to kiss someone.
Even though I am abstinent, I’ve found myself wondering how I can spread out to the other side of the bed instead of a lil’ corner. And then I’m like, so people really go to sleep with someone in their beds with them? I wonder what’s that like, to get up and do the breakfast thang with a husband. But I’m not going to lessen myself to say I have that. A peaceful household is very important to me. And although, it’s like we can never truly know what a lot these men are like, think, and do when we’re not looking, I’d rather have the confidence in him to know it’s never out of pocket.
This makes me wonder what women are doing when it comes to dating. Per TikTok, I thought we had all come to the conclusion that we were demanding more from these men or we’d be single. It reminds me of a funny story with one of my good friends. Last year, I was on BLK, seeing what was out there. BLK offers a feature where you can pay to see who likes you, so you don’t have to guess while swiping. I never paid for this before then but I had a theory that if you keep seeing the same person over and over again while swiping no, it’s because they swiped, yes. So, after I kept seeing my friend’s son, and I kept swiping no for two reasons, #1, from what I knew, I wasn’t his type and #2, that’s like a sibling to me. One day, I decided to see if my theory was correct and I swiped right, for yes. The loudest “DING” vibrated through my phone. I was like… what in the world. I then paid to see who was liking my page and he was on the list, the whole time. Then I thought, maybe it was an accident, I’ve definitely mistakenly swiped yes on someone, so I said, “No biggie.” Within minutes, I received a message from him! It read something like, “Hey, How are you.” I thought, okay, nothing crazy, that’s cool. I can reply and not be rude. I replied, we chit-chatted, then, things started to get a lil’ flirty on the other end. I stopped myself, like, like no ma’am, you want to flirt back, don’t do it. So, I typed up a reply letting him know that not only did I know his mother but we are really good friends, and I let him know that he doesn’t even know it but we’re basically related, lol. I sent the message with angst and relief, mixed with curiosity. He replied back and while curious on if I actually knew his mother, he informed me that he really did not care. He let me know that that was great that she and I are friends but this did not have anything to with him and his 30-year-old self. I was like, nooo I can’t but let me see. He asked me not to tell her this information but alas, I had to. What kind of friend would I be, if I didn’t.
A few days later, I told her the whole story. Meanwhile, he’s messaging me on where we moved the conversation to, Instagram (per his request). But, I did not and could not pay it any mind because he was not coming correct. To put it nicely, he was messaging me like how people link up these days, and I am not into that. I need all the courting and romance. Initially, she was like, “Gurrrl. No. Run. He has a girlfriend, idk why he treating her like this. And he has a certain type.” And I was like, maybe he’s trying to get a new type cause he’s not happy. And she was very apologetic that he came to me, with the bs. But at the same time, I messaged him like, “Boy, you know you don’t like big girls.” And he replied, “Yes I do!” And he said, “I’m very attracted to you.” So, I was stuck like Chuck. But in the end, I chose my friend cause homeboy wasn’t offering anything I could stand on, and he wasn’t my type either. I have since reached back out to him and we exchanged numbers, but what he didn’t know was that I wanted a chance to ‘explain him’ that that’s not how you get a real grown woman. I don’t know what these other chicks he meets do, but there’d never be a time when I let a man who hasn’t taken the time to at least get to know me, come to my home, sleep with me, and leave. You have to learn the long game…even if all it is, is a game. You get more big booty bears with honey, than piss… or however the saying goes.