Single Black Female

I’m not sure if this is a trend for attention on social media or if this is genuine but I see a lot of young women online stating that they are looking for other girlies to hang out with. Or they say they see women who they want to be cool with but are scared to approach them. When I see this, I feel a little curious to know if they are looking for genuine friendships or are they looking for someone to compete with. The way women have been trained to compete against each other is scary to see.

I also see a lot of posts saying that the way they vet their friends is by having a party or an outing and inviting them. The people who do not show up, are considered not to be their real friend. Now, I find that interesting and a little dense. This is because usually, the girls that are always in your face and do show up, are the main ones who talk about them behind their backs. And they are often the same ones who for some reason, seem to plot against them.

It gets really interesting when men get involved. The competition for black men or any man to want one woman over the other gets interesting. I get it, finding a good man is hard these days. But if your friend shows up with a dude who she says is great to her, that is not the opening to try to tempt him and see if he is actually genuine. For me, the girl code is important. I’ve mentioned this before but I’ve turned down guys who were the exes of women who I was associated with. Now, there’s a difference if you don’t know or weren’t aware of the connection but if I know, then it should be a no.

I spoke about my feelings on the girl code in a previous episode in regard to Porsha and all of that but TikTok just brought back some memories. This story I’m about to mention is really in my memoir but it’s important to mention. On TikTok this past weekend, I saw a few videos with women saying that their best friend slept with their baby daddies or boyfriends and I’m like, wow.

So this story, is hilarious because we were all kids but at the same time, it’s interesting to keep in mind. I think it’s also a reason why I keep many of the men I’ve dealt with in the past, a bit of a secret from some friends or associates who I may converse with. I’m not going to say our ages back then, I’m going to say that we were all kids. I had my first what I thought was love in my neighborhood boo (mentioned in previous episodes). Looking back on it, I’m not sure if I really was in love with him but I do know that I cared about him…a whole lot. He and I were each other’s firsts and it became that way out of a day of peer pressure, even though, I do believe it would have been that way, either way. Simply put, he and I were very explorative with each other’s bodies and this was a near daily thing. I had a friend who was new to the school and many of the guys wanted this particular girl, including the neighborhood boo. I don’t remember ever really considering the neighborhood boo going for her because she said she did not want him and he never indicated to me that he wanted her.

I can only speak from my side of the story but while Neighborhood Boo literally was at my house almost every single day, and I would call this said friend when he left or if she and I were on the phone, I would say, “Oh, Neighborhood Boo is here, I’ll call you later.” Somewhere between all of this, everyone in our class knew that he and I were still dealing while he had apparently started a relationship with her. Now, my best friend/sister got wind of this before me and actually wanted to fight her, along with another old friend, who I think she actually liked Neighborhood Boo herself, so she was perhaps fighting for her own interest. The three of us ended up in the principal’s office, where he was calling me the “ring leader.” And it became a big thing as if I had rounded the troops in the whole class and between classes to fight this girl, in order to avenge me, when in reality, I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t going to say that to the principal though because one of the girls was my actual friend, who I consider a sister. I was honored that so many people had my back, especially her. Before that though, Neighborhood Boo called me on three-way with the girl when he got word that I had found out and I really still remember what he said. He said, “I heard you’ve been hearing a rumor about me and *insert name*.” And I was like, yes. And he replied, “Okay, well the rumor you heard is true. That’s my girlfriend.” And I remember not even being upset or surprised. I do remember we exchanged words, just for drama’s sake. An awkward silence, then. I was like, “Oh, I’m supposed to say something.” I was kind of laughing because I was like, that’s your girlfriend who knows that we have sexy time, quite often.

According to her, she had instructed him to continue business with me as usual and all of that during their like I guess few weeks long relationship, which I found to be dumb. She also had sex with him, which was also weird to me. I did ask her like why did she feel the need to do all of that, and she told me that she was basically envious of me and she started telling me all of the stuff she thought I had that she didn’t have from certain features to friends, so she went after what could be taken. She also told me that she felt like his package was way too big for her and I just laughed at the time. Thinking back on that now, I’m like, it was too big because it wasn’t yours—it fit fine for me, the person who had been on it for a while at that point. Ever since then, I wondered if I would bring my actual future husband around like associates. The aftermath of all that was that she broke up with him, he blamed me for a while, although I wanted them to stay together because they’d obviously put in a lot of work to secretly get together. My real friends were annoyed with me because I actually decided to not be mad about it and talk to her again but mostly because I didn’t want people to think I was bitter. I was simply me and moved on from it.

Since then and over the decades, she and I have laughed about that quite a few times. It would be brought up in the conversation and we’d laugh, then I would stop laughing because it’s like, “Not too much… not too much.” And when I revisited Neighborhood Boo one night as an adult, I messed around and found out that, that thang is now too big for me. I was not ready then but I would not mind practicing with it to get back ready. I’m being honest, like Future.

Now, none of that matters, I really just think it’s a scandalous and funny story, that involved a bunch of kids. But I was reminded of it and it really makes me wonder about women and this competitive nature some have in regard to men. I also remember years later, I told her that I’d seen her baby daddy on a dating app and that he’d sent me a message, just trying to start a conversation. I didn’t put it together then but she was very worried about this, even after I told her that I had absolutely no interest in dude. Now, I realize that she probably thought I would try to hop on him because of all that in the past and I’m like, girl, you must not truly know me at all.

To continue, I also have a friend, who I would consider a good friend. She’s a bit of a wild and fun young thang. And I think that’s excellent because she’s single and unmarried with no children yet, so I think that’s great. But I feel that when I speak to her, she often is talking down on other women. And my whole thing is that if you’re doing you, there’s no reason to be talking down on anyone else. I only mention this to say that this unnecessary competition, to make oneself believe they are superior to someone else is strange. So when that part of the conversation starts, I often either don’t respond or change the conversation. Overall, I think it’s a maturity thing. And I believe more good comes from clapping for others.