Overcoming the Pick Me Saga

Song: Man

Artist: JoJo

We all know what a pick-me is from social media. The way I interpreted it was a woman who will say or do anything, even if it goes against her own moral compass, in order to be chosen or seen as more desirable, to a man. Now, I would not go that far to get a guy– simply any guy, because I’ve never been the “any” guy type of girl. There was always a specific guy I wanted, for very specific reasons. For me and in my opinion, a lot of the guys who I was into, it was never simply a how they looked, it was more of the whole package, altogether. And I really don’t think there has been any or many guys who I was into who weren’t into me.

Due to my size and all of that, many guys liked me but they often didn’t want anyone to know. I find that interesting because my size then was not big at all but it was also not small, lol. I feel like this battle of knowing someone wanted to be with me and them either striking a “secret” relationship or none, created this wanting in me for them to choose me and put up the middle fingers to anyone who had anything to say. Ironically, no one who I’ve had a public relationship with has ever been ridiculed…it’s actually been quite the opposite, like high-fives and daps. It’s possible that I liked the challenge of it all.

The first person to ever strike a “secret” relationship with me was Neighborhood Boo. Now that I think back on it, I have no idea the conversations he had about me with his friends. It must’ve been interesting since two have tried to get with me in some way. I guess they figured he did not appreciate or seem to want me, so they tried it. One, was in our childhood, some lil boy named Quinton, who I mentioned in the podcast already and another friend, more recently. I’m trying to recall how the secret began. I remember us having a conversation but I don’t recall what was actually said. I do know that at first I was taken aback but throughout the years, I began to prefer a secret relationship with him and guys after the fact. It could’ve been because the people who knew Neighborhood Boo and I were a thing began to try to interfere. I used to be “boy crazy” about him and instead of saying he was unattractive like many did in school, I would be like, “*insert name* is so fine.” I thought he was an attractive guy back then for sure. The funny thing is that I sometimes think about how girls in school used to say that he had acne but I don’t remember even seeing any acne, on a regular basis.

Once he started dating other people and it didn’t work out. I would think like, maybe he would realize that he and I were a good pair. I found myself trying to win him over and all of that and have him choose to be with me, have a sense of loyalty, since we had literally known each other since we were eight years old. Eventually, I got over that, and got my first real boyfriend, who wanted everyone to know about us but he lived on the other side of town and he and I did not last long, mostly because of that. He I think has been trying to get back with me even years later but we are simply too different but I did try to entertain him a few times and each time, he would say something to make me change my mind. After that, there were a few other public boyfriends before my baby daddy and with each one, including him, other girls and women would tried to get with them behind my back. It worked for a couple but as I’ve said, I want to see what my guy would do. I want to see if he is loyal, if he would choose me, no matter who is throwing it at them.

For example, with my first job at a fast food restaurant while I was in high school, I had a few guys who wanted to date me when I first started working there. When I first started, there were a lot of kids my age there, along with adults and new adults, like 20 or 21. So, I had 2 guys around my age who were basically beefing over me. I chose one of the guys and the other one kind of went on. That guy was a public boyfriend, some way or another, he went to Doug and I went to North Atlanta and our relationship had made it all the way to me at my high school. He was a sweet guy, for sure, bought me balloons, a cake, and all this stuff for my bday and did all of this on the Marta bus. If you’ve been on the Marta bus, you know that was not easy. He also coordinated all this with our coworkers, young and old, as a surprise party. Not too long after that, an older coworker, who I considered my friend and her 20ish-year old friend, literally planned to get him to get with the 20ish friend, and he was about 17. Keep in mind, those two were not on the shift when the party happened. One night I called him because I was getting off and he said he was at the person who I thought was my friend’s house. He told me who was there and at the time I didn’t put it together but baby, it was a coup. A short time after that, he broke up with me, started dating the 20ish, girl. It was literally like, they saw the things we did and the girl decided that’s what she wanted. Of course my what I thought was friendship ended with the other girl and they tried to keep us off the same shift. Eventually, the new girlfriend, the dude, and I were on the same shift and one day I went to the stock room to get some lids for the cups. When I went back there, the girl or “lady” was literally laying in the racks, like crying or pouting. I assume she was waiting for my ex to come back there, like they were fighting. I literally looked her in the face, grabbed the lids, and left. Then they broke-up after that.

I feel like ever since then, being a secret meant…not so many other girls to worry about because it seems that there was an element of jealousy in that story and a few others. It was like, are y’all really that pressed that I make so and so happy? Mentally, I think Neighborhood Boo started that and it, I am sure has inadvertently caused some insecurities, especially since, even though over the years he has tried to get back with me for sexy time. I’m not gonna lie, it felt good to turn him down a few times. When I finally gave in, like over ten years later and because I wanted to avoid a different person, I wanted him to be on my line, like “Oh yeah, she’s the one that got away.” But he never did. Then from the timing of that, I started getting paranoid, like did the guy I actually want, send him? LOL

I’ve been working on not trying to win a man over and letting him stand on his first decision. I remember back in high school there was a main guy I tried to win over for a few years and I knew there was something there because of a couple notes and stares, but anyway, I remember really hoping and thinking that we made progress, but peer pressure is a bigger hindrance than all of that. And now I’d say, “Girl he simply did not want you.” Even though the climate of the men we have now has been men who want to be chased, I am done chasing men. Wanting him to choose me or trying to win him over, or back–is chasing. Not to mention, there is a certain peace when you are home and not worried about what your boo is doing. There are times when you get lonely but I’m not lonely enough to get with whoever. I’m still quite selective, lol.

Now, the only one on my roster is California. I have his name on there with magic marker, because he recently got put back on the list. He has been hard to read and I told him so. I heard a little bit on TikTok about Aquarius men but man, they are something else. I had to ask him straight up, are you in or out and we are seeing where that goes. But he’s still trying to figure out what he wants to do career-wise and I’m more of wanting to be wined and dined so, idk. Not to mention, I would not at this time do well with a guy who is not generous with his money and company– because I am. At the same time, I wonder how I would do with living with a significant other in the future, cause I love my space. Not to mention, I have my own decorative style. I’m sure I would make some room, if I loved the person. The things I’ve done though recently, like move out of my last place, by myself, to moving into a new place by myself. Then changing the sink and faucet… with the help of the LORD and tears, I got it done. So, I would be wanting and probably needing the type of guy who I wouldn’t have to ask to do things cause his thing would be having to hurry and get it done before I do it myself.