Rebuilding Self-Respect

Are you able to pinpoint when exactly you let someone, specifically a significant someone, try you? I’ve been thinking on how all of my past experiences have caused a ripple effect on my current relationships. Be it in the talking stage, dating, sex, etc. It’s crazy how the disrespect I’ve allowed in my past has literally scared me from doing certain things in future relationships. For example, if someone I once said too much to, then we rekindle years later and then l’m afraid to say too much, so I say too little and do too little because half of me is trying to avoid abandonment.
Then, I‘ve come to find that having self-respect will literally cause your phone to be so dry. It will have you rethinking all of your interactions with your person or people of choice. Not too long ago, I pictured myself wild and free but the reality is, that would not benefit me in any way. For someone like me who remembers all the nuances of words, gestures, and tongue movements between my loves and me, thinking or coming to find that words and actions truly meant nothing, is less than reassuring. I now have to ask myself for each new person who tries to enter into my space, I have to wait even longer because I need to know if it is true or if the objective is to be a fling. I’ve had enough of all those and I don’t want any other meaningless flings.

It’s not that I don’t want a lil boothang (relationship), I’d simply rather not have the drama. I guess I have to face it— I’m not in the right space to let someone in. I need to pour all that love into myself and focus on myself, my home, and my responsibilities. The more I love on my home recently, the more I’m proud of it. I was thinking the other day and it hit me— all that love I planned and wanted to adorn on someone else, it’s time to, when the time comes, to love someone who adores me first and foremost. Now granted, in terms of my home, some stuff, I couldn’t do before having the means to do it but the more I have what I need to turn the house into a home, the more I will do. 

I’m also focused on losing weight cause even though I’d lost over 50 pounds— it was easily gained back, as that is the process… you lose it , then you gain it back— then you begin to exercise and lose the weight on your terms. 

Then, my hair—that I love. I love my texture, even though I see the change. I see the texture has gone to closer to how it was in my childhood. I realize that my edges don’t appreciate when I get braids. With that knowledge, I’ve been thinking for the longest that I should get locs. 

At first I thought, maybe microlocs or sister locs but after more research, I decided that those options aren’t the ones I really want. On top of that, I really love a good wash and set. I love the sleek look and when it gets a lil oily, a swoop with a bun—yum. Even though I’ve been considering locs for quite some time, I probably shouldn’t get them now that it seems like they’ve become a trend. What I love though, is how much more accepting corporate jobs have become to not only locsbut Afros, and natural kinky/curly hair(like it or not). 

It’s strange when my style changes and my attitude towards certain things like, relationships change. I do realize though that I have to allow myself to be loved again— and that’s  not easy because even I don’t love the same.

All in all, I don’t think that my husbae is on these dating apps. Check out my next post because, oops, I did it again.